Rasing Future or Present Oriented Kids

Recently I watched a video from the Royal Society for the encouragement of the Arts. It was a video on our perceptions of time. The speaker was Philip Zambardo author of The Paradox of Time. In this ten minute speech he explains how as a society we tend to be either past, present or future oriented. He also explains how this affects our children.

While watching this video he touches on the fact that future oriented children know that things like doing drugs, having unprotected sex, or drinking can cause them problems in the future and they are willing to put off that initial gratification to protect their future. Unfortunately, all of the propaganda we aim at out children are aimed at kids who understand and plan for the future....in other words...they get it...they don't need us to preach to them. It is the kids who are present oriented, who cannot move beyond living in the now...immediate gratification, the I-want-it-and-I-want-it-right-now! behavior. Kids who are unable to save even five dollars, kids who put off doing a job until the very last minute, kids who never start on a project until the night before it is due.

This reminds me of a YouTube video I have seen many times...in our house we refer to the action of immediate gratification as "licking the marshmallow." In this video you will see pre-school aged children presented with a hard decision. They are presented a marshmallow and told by the adult that they (the adult) have to leave for a few minutes, but if they (the child) can resist the marshmallow until the adult comes back they will be rewarded with a second marshmallow. The wait time ranged from fifteen to twenty minutes. For a four year old....this is eternity.

The video is hilarious, but it also brings to light some very interesting knowledge about the ability to delay gratification. You see kids doing everything in their power to ignore the marshmallow, others have to touch it, sniff it, pick it up and pat it on their lips, desperate for just a taste, a sniff, bringing that tantalizing object closer and closer. Some try to be sneaky about it, they pinch little nibbles off the sides or bottom in the hopes it will be just enough to leave them not wanting more and get them through this time. Then there are the ones who just pop the marshmallow in their mouths...who needs a second marshmallow when you have a perfectly good one in front of you at this very moment?

But the most interesting point in this study did not come until many years later. The doctor who conducted the study had used many children from his daughter's school. As the children grew up he noticed a trend. The children who were able to delay gratification were the ones who scored higher on ACTs, were the ones who went on to more successful lives. The ones who were not able to wait, tended to have problems in high school and later on in life. This idea is very telling and explains to us, as parents the need we have not to give into the desire to gratify our children's every desire and wish.

I was thinking about this the other day...especially as it pertained to food. I remember that going out for a meal consisted of getting cleaned up, getting into the car, driving to a restaurant, sitting down, ordering, waiting for food and then, finally the food would arrive. We ate politely, quietly and were in no hurry as this was a time to be savored and enjoyed.

In contrast, when our children are taken out to eat today, they are placated with play rooms, crayons, coloring books....and on it goes. Many parents today become angry, even argumentative that they are just children, behaving like children and other adults should learn to accept them, as they run around the table screaming after four Mountain Dews.

I have been in restaurants where parents have no control over their kids. I have seen them just stop short of dragging a toy chest in with them and a child still cannot sit and play quietly for the 20 minutes it takes for food to come. Don't get me wrong...I had the same issues with my kids. Taking four kids into a place to dine is like visiting a petting zoo. And I am just lucky if I don't have to send one to the car.

But even better today, eating out can consist of being in the car already, pulling into a drive-through, ordering and in a matter of 1-2 minutes having your food handed to you in your car....but not only do you get your food in the car...you get a toy! and a sugared up caffeinated drink...to go in your drink holder. You never have to leave your car.

Immediate gratification versus delayed gratification. Sure...there are some benefits to immediate gratification...sometimes it is ok to lick the marshmallow. But we should remember, that immediate gratification should be the exception, and never the rule.


But look at how our children are being propagandized....Commercials tell them they need toys right now. Schools reward mediocrity....and give a prize for just showing up. Television shows tell us how wonderful we all are just the way we are....even if we are lazy, don't do school work, or are belligerent.

A recent study wanted to see what the allure was to repetitive type video games. Games that required the same action over and over again...like a wheel of fortune sort of game and outcome. In this study there was a button to be pushed to win a prize. They had three selections for the gamer. In Game A, you were rewarded every single time. In Game B, you were never rewarded. In Game C you were randomly rewarded. In both Games A and B they found that kids had no interest in playing. It was only in random rewards...given when the gamer was not expecting it that kept the gamer playing on.

What does that mean to us as parents to these little minds? It means that while we know we should reinforce the behavior we are looking for a child does not need, nor want to hear every single time they do something that they have done something right. Rather, the praise, in a random pattern, when least expected, does the most good. Delayed gratification


Even if, we as parents, try to limit the barrage on our children....we tell them no, they are still overloaded by the world to want more. I recently went through Wal-Mart with my 14 year old. She had asked me for 12 items...not in the store, just things she thought of as we walked through the store, while shopping. When I pointed this out to her she was rather shocked. Consumerism begets greed.

It all comes down to being willing to be the parent...not the friend. To be the one who can say no to a child..and teach him or her to say no to themselves.

Link to RSAnimate: The Secret Powers of Time
Link to the Marshmallow Experiment
Link to the Wikipedia Article and the Follow Up Studies

Motherhood

"Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom, exhaustion, and sorrow too. Nothing else ever will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality especially while you struggle to keep your own." -- Marguerite Kelly and Elia Parsons



I am a mother. With all that entails. All of the sticky fingers. All of the untied shoes. All of the slamming doors. All of the dates. All of the broken curfews. They are all mine.

And each child that presents me with these things, these dilemmas, every day presents me with another way to think about how I respond to them and mold their lives with some input...but eventually, they become who they are going to be. I find I delight in the discovery.


It causes me to think back on what it must have been like for my own mother. The potential I had! The possibilities! What a landscape that lay before me..so much different than the days when women were expected to find a man and get married, I grew up in a time where college was an open door to me. I could choose from so much.

Yet, the decision I made was to marry and to have children. To be the housewife. And I do not regret it. I loved every minute of being a homemaker, raising children and being a wife. But I look back, with a bit more wisdom now and think, "Oh, now I see all the possibilities I had...and what I could have done and the things I could have had. And I still could have been a homemaker...." I understand now, perhaps some of the regrets and disappointments my own mother might have felt in me. I could have had so much more.

But living in the past has never given anyone more today. And so, a couple of years ago I took advantage of those possibilities and graduated with my degree. I am working at a very satisfying job now with great opportunity for advancement. I like where I am at in life. I like who I am in my life now.

And this makes me a good mother. In so many ways. It draws on the values and good that my mother was able to instill in me...and there was so much. There are still so many days I think, "I wish I was more like my mom."

And it trickles down to my kids. They see me in a different light. I am more confident. I am self assured. And in this, they get a better me. They take away a better them. We are open with each other and respect each other more.

In life my goal is not to create little people who are just like me...God forbid. My goal is to create individuals, who can think, create and be themselves, without fear of what that means. I am proud of who they are so far. I only see good things for them right now...my worries are small. Sure they have bumps in their roads...some of them are going to be hard, but I have confidence that they will be able to handle them all with the personalities they have. They are strong, stronger than I was.

And isn't what this is all about...motherhood? Building a better mousetrap?

Happy Mother's Day Mom....I miss you and think of you every single day. From one mouse to another.