Rasing Future or Present Oriented Kids

Recently I watched a video from the Royal Society for the encouragement of the Arts. It was a video on our perceptions of time. The speaker was Philip Zambardo author of The Paradox of Time. In this ten minute speech he explains how as a society we tend to be either past, present or future oriented. He also explains how this affects our children.

While watching this video he touches on the fact that future oriented children know that things like doing drugs, having unprotected sex, or drinking can cause them problems in the future and they are willing to put off that initial gratification to protect their future. Unfortunately, all of the propaganda we aim at out children are aimed at kids who understand and plan for the future....in other words...they get it...they don't need us to preach to them. It is the kids who are present oriented, who cannot move beyond living in the now...immediate gratification, the I-want-it-and-I-want-it-right-now! behavior. Kids who are unable to save even five dollars, kids who put off doing a job until the very last minute, kids who never start on a project until the night before it is due.

This reminds me of a YouTube video I have seen many times...in our house we refer to the action of immediate gratification as "licking the marshmallow." In this video you will see pre-school aged children presented with a hard decision. They are presented a marshmallow and told by the adult that they (the adult) have to leave for a few minutes, but if they (the child) can resist the marshmallow until the adult comes back they will be rewarded with a second marshmallow. The wait time ranged from fifteen to twenty minutes. For a four year old....this is eternity.

The video is hilarious, but it also brings to light some very interesting knowledge about the ability to delay gratification. You see kids doing everything in their power to ignore the marshmallow, others have to touch it, sniff it, pick it up and pat it on their lips, desperate for just a taste, a sniff, bringing that tantalizing object closer and closer. Some try to be sneaky about it, they pinch little nibbles off the sides or bottom in the hopes it will be just enough to leave them not wanting more and get them through this time. Then there are the ones who just pop the marshmallow in their mouths...who needs a second marshmallow when you have a perfectly good one in front of you at this very moment?

But the most interesting point in this study did not come until many years later. The doctor who conducted the study had used many children from his daughter's school. As the children grew up he noticed a trend. The children who were able to delay gratification were the ones who scored higher on ACTs, were the ones who went on to more successful lives. The ones who were not able to wait, tended to have problems in high school and later on in life. This idea is very telling and explains to us, as parents the need we have not to give into the desire to gratify our children's every desire and wish.

I was thinking about this the other day...especially as it pertained to food. I remember that going out for a meal consisted of getting cleaned up, getting into the car, driving to a restaurant, sitting down, ordering, waiting for food and then, finally the food would arrive. We ate politely, quietly and were in no hurry as this was a time to be savored and enjoyed.

In contrast, when our children are taken out to eat today, they are placated with play rooms, crayons, coloring books....and on it goes. Many parents today become angry, even argumentative that they are just children, behaving like children and other adults should learn to accept them, as they run around the table screaming after four Mountain Dews.

I have been in restaurants where parents have no control over their kids. I have seen them just stop short of dragging a toy chest in with them and a child still cannot sit and play quietly for the 20 minutes it takes for food to come. Don't get me wrong...I had the same issues with my kids. Taking four kids into a place to dine is like visiting a petting zoo. And I am just lucky if I don't have to send one to the car.

But even better today, eating out can consist of being in the car already, pulling into a drive-through, ordering and in a matter of 1-2 minutes having your food handed to you in your car....but not only do you get your food in the car...you get a toy! and a sugared up caffeinated drink...to go in your drink holder. You never have to leave your car.

Immediate gratification versus delayed gratification. Sure...there are some benefits to immediate gratification...sometimes it is ok to lick the marshmallow. But we should remember, that immediate gratification should be the exception, and never the rule.


But look at how our children are being propagandized....Commercials tell them they need toys right now. Schools reward mediocrity....and give a prize for just showing up. Television shows tell us how wonderful we all are just the way we are....even if we are lazy, don't do school work, or are belligerent.

A recent study wanted to see what the allure was to repetitive type video games. Games that required the same action over and over again...like a wheel of fortune sort of game and outcome. In this study there was a button to be pushed to win a prize. They had three selections for the gamer. In Game A, you were rewarded every single time. In Game B, you were never rewarded. In Game C you were randomly rewarded. In both Games A and B they found that kids had no interest in playing. It was only in random rewards...given when the gamer was not expecting it that kept the gamer playing on.

What does that mean to us as parents to these little minds? It means that while we know we should reinforce the behavior we are looking for a child does not need, nor want to hear every single time they do something that they have done something right. Rather, the praise, in a random pattern, when least expected, does the most good. Delayed gratification


Even if, we as parents, try to limit the barrage on our children....we tell them no, they are still overloaded by the world to want more. I recently went through Wal-Mart with my 14 year old. She had asked me for 12 items...not in the store, just things she thought of as we walked through the store, while shopping. When I pointed this out to her she was rather shocked. Consumerism begets greed.

It all comes down to being willing to be the parent...not the friend. To be the one who can say no to a child..and teach him or her to say no to themselves.

Link to RSAnimate: The Secret Powers of Time
Link to the Marshmallow Experiment
Link to the Wikipedia Article and the Follow Up Studies

Christmas Traditions

I grew up in a family that had tradition out the wazoo. We had a tradition for just about everything. From Thanksgiving day, and watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, football and just being with family, to the day after Christmas...we had traditions that followed us all throughout the month.

But I will never forget when I first got married. I wanted to make sure that my husband's family was well represented. That he did not feel like there were only my traditions and none of his...although, of course my family traditions were better.

So our discussion went something like this:

Me: "Hon...I want to make sure we do things that your family has always done too...what are your family traditions."

**long pause**

Him: "uh well, I am not sure."

Me: "Well...I mean, how can you not be sure? There has to be things you did every single year. What were those things? We can do those things."

Him: "Well, see that is just it...we really never had any."

Me: "Any what?"

Him: "Traditions"

Me: "How is that possible?"

Him: "Uhm...Well, we just never did."

Me: "Never did what?"

Him: "Anything traditional."

Me: "Nothing?"

Him: "Not that I recall."

Me: "No tree decorating? No Stockings? No caroling? No cookie baking? No....nothing???"

Him: "We watched my sister decorate the tree sometimes."

Me: "No Charlie Brown Christmas? No wrapping presents? No Christmas cards? No looking at lights in the neighborhood? Really?"

Him: "Really...nothing."

About this time he would remind me that I needed to blink and close my mouth as I stood with it agape. It wasn't that his family didn't have a tree, stockings, presents, turkey dinners, and so on...it was just that certain people had certain jobs and the family was not involved. I was gobsmacked.

Twenty-two years and five children have past since that conversation. We have invested ourselves into many family traditions. And I think everyone is the richer for them. At some point I have heard some moans...and some groans...but everyone usually laughs and participates. Typically they will even remind me if a tradition has been forgotten, which means that while they tease and moan and groan, deep inside, they love that we have things that they can count on.

And I think those are the things that, as we grow up, move away and start our own families are what we pull to ourselves to comfort us and make us feel as if we are with our loved ones once again.

My son is now serving in the United States Army as a combat medic. I am so very proud of him. I spoke with him on Thanksgiving Day and it warmed my heart to hear him say that he had a nice Thanksgiving meal, but it wasn't the meal that I always made....the food he was use to and he missed his apple pie. You see, we have a tradition in our family that every single person chooses their favorite dessert and I

make it for them. I have made up to fifteen desserts, but this

year I only made seven. And an apple pie was not among the dishes. That is Joseph's chosen dessert every single year. And

he missed it this Thanksgiving. He also said that he woke up and watched Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade....I knew deep inside that he, even by himself, was carrying on a tradition that was part of our family.

And that is what these traditions do...they start off small, step by step and become the seams of a family quilt. They are part of a larger picture, part of what it means to be a family. Part of what it means to belong.

And belonging is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world.

Lesson on "Failure"

I recently participated in something big.

It was an adventure. Something that most of us would think, "Gosh that would be fun! And I bet I could do it" but rarely do it.

I went to an open casting call for MasterChef. I went with the knowledge that there were thousands applying across the country. I went with the knowledge that my chances ranged somewhere between slim and none. And I went because, well...what did I have to lose?

It wasn't money, because all they asked you to bring was a dish that they judges could taste. I lived close enough that the gas was really only about $30. So really there was nothing in the long run to be lost.

And there was a lot to be gained. There were possibilities. I could win. I could win $250,000. That is a lot of money...a lot. I could publish my own cookbook. I could spend 6 weeks on a television show doing something I love. And I could gain perspective from people other than family and friends of what my food really tasted like.

I made it to the third round of selections. I am on a call back list, but chances are they will not call me. They said it happens all the time. But as I listened to the names they called I knew two of them were right....I stood between both of them...one was a girl, she was around 5'7", she had legs that started right under her chin, blond hair that was perfect and a face that was gorgeous. She probably weighed 98 pounds...soaking wet...holding a brick. And her name was Jessica. Oh hell, who am I kidding? I would have switched teams for this girl. I would have expected that she worked in retail, or was a secretary, or possibly even a teacher or a lawyer.

No....as television want...television gets....no one...no. one. would ever guess this girls job. She is a farmer. And as every producer sees this glamazon suddenly in overalls and galoshes and dollar signs in front of his eyes I sort of knew..."Yeah...she is sooooo on this show. They are insane if they pass this one up."

And I got to go after her. Lovely. So then I spoke with the producers and told them about me...just a computer nerd. Mom to five. No glamazon-farmer here.

And so the next guy? He is a metal head, loves to cook with SPAM...his job title? He is a professional puppeteer. I am pretty far down the coolness chart at this point. And I know. I know at this point I have made it as far as I am going to.

And so...what what did I come away with? As I walked away from the auditions I felt like this mark of failure was on me. I had failed. I didn't make it on the show. I didn't get to compete. I suck.

But on the way home I really began to self analyze...what really is failure? Dictionary.com defines failure as "an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success" In the end I suppose that would depend on what you would define as success....and perhaps deeper than that, how you measure it.

Now I am not one of those people that believes every single child should get an award just for showing up to the race. Success should be shown by marked improvement. Relying again upon Dictionary.com, they define success as "the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors." In other words, when you have reached a better outcome, you quit.

Looking back, I think that I did not fail. What I did was accomplish something I set out to do. I gained feedback from people other than my family than friends. I did really well. In the scoring I scored 4.5 and 5 out of 5 on my dish on all levels. I also had the puppeteer propose to me after he tasted my chai whipped cream...but that is another story.....

I believe that what I gained was a perspective. I know what it is like to go to an open casting call now. It is incredible exciting...until they make stand outside for 45 minutes to yell at a camera and scream "I AM!" when asked who is the next MasterChef?

All in all, I had fun. Even with the thoughts of what it would be like to be on a TV show. And it was an adventure. My failure? Not wearing warm enough shoes.

So look real close in the Chicago crowd...see that shivering girl with the hair blowing in her face in the first three episodes? Yep..that is me! I made it to the big time.

Grocery Stores

I may be in the minority...but let me just say it: I love to grocery shop. I know many would rather have a root canal without Novocain than do their grocery shopping, but I take a certain pride in my job. I always have. But I find the difference in the ways people shop most fascinating.

Some carry a small office with them, the front of the buggy filled with a drink, the coupon organizer, ads for the week, lists, menus and calculators. For them...this is serious business. These are the women who can buy a cart full a food for $.98 and get $29 in coupons for next week. Their families may be eating beef tongue and rutabagas this next week...but by god, it was next to free!

Then there are the women like me. (Of course, we are more reasonable.) I carry a calculator, but I never steer from that which I normally buy. I am fairly brand loyal and will tend toward making the same meals in a two to three month period and those staples are always on hand. I do not buy cookies. I do not buy soda, kool-aid or juice. I will usually buy one bag of chips or pretzels a week. Prepared foods? Not this girl....not if I can help it.

Then you see the other women...the ones who have done this for so long they no longer need a list...they know what they are getting without even looking. Or the ones who have just started into grocery shopping...either having just moved out on their own...or newly married. They study, read labels, try to figure it all out. In the end they do...because they shopped and cooked with their moms...they know what they need...it comes to them in the end.

But my favorite? The ones I really enjoy sort of coasting behind and spectating? The men. No...not the single guys who are there because they need some frozen pizza and pot pies....but the husbands. The guys standing in the isles looking at the shelves with a list clutched in one hand and a sort of lost stare. They know, you see. They know if they stand there long enough some woman will come along and ask them if they need help.

It is like a dog whistle. We see the stare, the list and we know that some woman is at home having sent her husband to the store for something...we have this image; she has just had surgery and cannot do this herself...and she is relying on him to bring home the stuff on that list. We hear the call....the dog whistle...that says, "Please help him...he knows not what he does." and he reinforces our nurturing nature...by just standing there and looking from the list to the shelf and back again.

So, well played. We walk over and say, "Can I help you? You look like you are having trouble finding something."

And they scratch their heads...and they laugh a bit...and they hand you this list.

Run.

Run now.

Because the second you take the list...you will be helping them through the entire store. But you are nice, so you look at the list.

Well, of course this poor guy is confused...silly man. You are in the vegetable isle looking at canned creamed corn and your wife asked you to get cornstarch. The next thing you know you are explaining to him how to pick out a fresh pineapple and how to check the price per ounce on peanut butter. Lessons he will not remember longer than it takes him to smile at the cute redhead cashier.

I learned my lesson many years ago as one of those wives. I had just come home from the hospital having delivered my first child. Having been settled in, my husband and his best friend offered to run to the store for me. I had not expected to be in need of certain feminine products and my husband gallantly offered to pick those up for me while at the store. "I have the best husband in the world," I thought.

It was about an hour later that I received a call from him. He explained that he was standing in the isle with Roger, his friend and a women who had stopped to help them and a cashier who had come over. They were all discussing the pros and cons of my situation having just given birth and now being in need of these products. They were now fully educated on wings, overnight protection and deodorizing products by these women, having talked about this for the last 20 minutes. They just could not all come to a conclusive decision and needed my final input on what I wanted.


Death...death would have been good.