Boxing With God

Since it is not my time to update my goals...I need not feel guilty about my struggles I am about to post.

Yes...struggles.

This past week, actually the past several weeks have taken their toll on me and I am weary. Perhaps it is just being away from home for eight weeks...perhaps it is just the stress of what I hope to accomplish over the next year with my life.

Perhaps it is a lot of things...but here it is just wee bit past the middle of March...and I am burned up....burned out, hanging on by a thread.

I have found myself thinking more and more on Job. This man who had so much and who lost so much. This is a man who not just rich...but uber-rich...like Bill Gates kind of rich. He had 10 kids, seven boys and three girls. They were so rich that none of the kids ever worked...they just went from house to house and partied every single day. Job just worried that they sinned..so he stayed home with all of his money and prayed for them.

Then one day, he looses his cattle, he looses his 7,000 sheep, he looses his 3,000 camels (they smell anyway...might have been a godsend) and all his children are killed in a freak accident.

All because God decideds to let Satan have a little fun. To poke at Job, as it were. Then, as if it can't get any worse, Satan says..."Hey, the only reason he isn't cursing you is because he is in a healthy body." God says..."Go...mess with him some more."

Ahh, to be Satan's play thing. So Job gets boils. Everywhere...and it isn't just boils...they are painful, pus filled, oozing, smelly boils. Nice.

Finally, his wife suggest he just get it over with...look...it is obvious that you have done something to make God angry...so just curse him...die and get it over with...right?


And everyone likes to believe that Job praises God. Well..no.

Or that his three crappy friends come over and dump on him, tell him he is sinful...and then God dumps on them. Right? No.


Yes, his three friends come over. Yes, they sit there and tell him he is sinful for having incurred the wrath of God to this magnatude, so obiously he should just repent and be done with it.

And what does Job do? What does this righteous man, who has always been faithful to God, lost his family and all his posessions and is now covered in smelly boils...what does he do?

He argues with God.

He basically tells God, "Look...I have praised you...I have been righteous, I have done what you asked...and this...THIS...is how I am rewarded...really???"

It was a throwdown. God takes off his gloves for a while and dressed down Job. Job sort of realizes he has overstepped his bounds a bit and says his mea culpas and moves on.

Right? Well...no the story ends with Job being blessed beyond what he had before. Now he has 14,000 sheep and 6,000 camels (not so sure that was a blessing) and he is again blessed with children; seven boys and three girls (although he had to go through those teen aged years all over again) and he is SO wealthy this time he even gives the girls part of the inheirtenance.

It is the ever popular story of overcoming the ultimate loss. The ultimate bad day. And I have been having a lot of them lately. It seems like I have had a string of little bad day soldiers all just waiting with their artillary to click off days.

I thought maybe I needed some encouragement so I went to a large book store and I stood in the self-help section for about a half an hour looking at titles of books waiting for the one that said "Your life sucks right now, here are some practical things you can do to make it through the sucki-ness of it all and aim toward making it better"

Newsflash: That book hasn't been published yet.

And the sad part about the self-help books? I stood there looking at them and thought, "you know there is not a single one of these books that I would pay money for and could force myself to read." I was more drawn to books on dog training, growing herb gardens, cooking, painting, embroidery and a handful of other things. I was more interested in DOING something...going out and being part of creating something, being part of something, than I was in sitting around navel gazing.

I have poured out to my heart to God recently. I am a faithful person. I am a person who, for some odd reason, believes without doubt....it just never enters into my brain housing group. I aim toward righteousness. I rarely hit it...but I do desire it...I have learned to allow God to work in his time and to accept his will.


But right now I am angry with him. I still trust him. I still am faithful. And, as prideful as this may sound, I don't feel like I am acting in a sinful manner. I know I will get over it....eventually. But right now I feel like I was betrayed.

I feel like I was lead along and given false hope, when it wasn't really necessary. I prayed and asked God that if this was the path for me to please open the doors, but if it wasn't to please close them. They were being closed, gently, and I was being let down....then at the last minute, I had them fly wide open with information that changed everything...I was elated, flying high...probably much higher than I should have...and so very hopeful.

I ended up crashing so hard that the bruises and marks are painful wounds right now. God could have left that door shut, let me continue along that route. It would not have been as painful as having my hopes raised beyond anything they had been before.

And so I am boxing with God. I am arguing with him right now. In the long run I am imaging it will make me a better Christian...I know he knows what is best...but right now all I feel is very hurt.

In the end, this is what is called working out your faith in fear and trembling.

It is work, make no mistake of that.

Updated Goals....

Way back in January I had the goal that at the end of January I would update my goals....well, that didn't happen...and I don't think that once a month worked as well as I would like. Every two months is giving me more time to evaluate what I am going through and doing.





So here are the goals as I stated them in January:

1. Lose weight
2. Find a better job
3. Travel
4. Move with little or no drama
5. Fight less/stress less
6. Be more positive

And here are the actions I plan to take for each of those goals...for January 2011:

1. Lose 10 pounds. Begin walking 3 times a week.
2. Commit to spending 5 hours a week looking for a better job.
3. Save $25 a week from paycheck toward a trip.
4. Begin packing boxes now, purging items not needed or wanted now.
5. Choose my battles, do not give into fights with the kids.
6. List 4 things every day that are positive....things that you can be happy about.


One of the things that has changed for me is that I am now travelling Monday through Friday to another city for business. I am in a hotel all week long and then at home with my family for the weekends. This has brought about a different dynamic that I am having to incorporate. So here are the things that I have done to work towards my New Year's Resolutions:

1. Lose Weight: Living in the hotel I cook for one...as a result I have complete control over my diet for the first time in the last 22 years. I am working toward cooking for myself only healthy foods that I can living with..healthy, some small indulgences, but for the most part a mind set that doesn't allow anything processed, pre-made and very low on the carbs that have been processed....so carbs like potatoes, or corn, but in as close to their natural state. My tiny slow cooker and small blender come with me every week. Yes, I look weird moving into a hotel every week...bringing in groceries...but I take my lunch every day, I made dinner, I make breakfast...and I feel really good...not overly tired or worn out. As for the excercise...I will give it to you...I am in a hotel...there is a fitness center...but I am not one to work out in front of people..never have been...So, I need to figure a way around this obstacle.

2. Find a better job: I am on my third interview, currently with a large coporation. It is a job within my field...If I dare to breathe it outloud....it is my dream job. I believe I am very qualified for this positon. I also believe that it will meet all of my desires for what I was looking for in a career...and I think I will meet all of theirs...I truly believe I am what they are looking for...but I almost hope I don't put too much hope into this positon, because I want it so badly...I do not want to be in a position that not getting the job will cripple me. I need to examine my thought process about how I will handle this if I do not get this job...because I do still have a job...even if it is one I detest...but I am still employeed....and I need to remember that.

3. Travel: I planned on putting away 25 dollars toward travel, the downside I am facing is that the way my company has set up business travel is they are depositing money into my personal checking account. The issue has become that I do not want to move money to my savings with the business money flowing in and out. Since I am not spending money on myself currently, when all is said and done I should have an amount that I can move over to my savings account. So I am saving...just not in my account the way I had intended.

4. Move with little or no drama: We have taken the steps toward moving. We are looking at pre-approval, making sure our credit is in order..but to keep drama to a minimum we are moving somewhat slowly. I am taking care of things as they happen. I have also gathered quite a few boxes...as soon as I am home, the packing will begin. I would also like to wait till the seasons just change so I can pack all the winter clothes.

5. Fight less/Stress less: Obviously, being in a hotel...alone...I am fighting less. But I do have a higher stress level being "at work" all the time...and it is putting a straing on my home life. So, this is an unfortunate part of my resolutions...I am not making strides here. But I think if I work harder on the next resolution, I might change my perspective on this one.

6. Be more positive I have brought aspects of being positive into my life...and worked at doing so more often...but I am still struggling with doing it on a regular basis...I still find myself with complaints that roll off my tongue more easily than praise. I need to find a way to change that about myself. Not a Mary Sunshine...but someone who is just not as easily irritated.
Duck's back = Me / Water = Stress.

I would like to try and add another goal to my list.

Yes, it is already lengthy. Yes...I may fail if I start adding them left and right.

But I would like to add this one. I would like to try and get at least two posts up a month on my blog. I like doing this...and I miss when I cannot or do not get to this. So hopefully I will be back here in two weeks with another post.


Hopefully.